Shadows of a Sick Sad World
by Courier999
Summary: When Daria, Jane, and Quinn accidentally stumble upon a cult ritual in the Zon's basement, they soon find themselves drawn into the ongoing conflict between mankind and the various gods and monsters of the Mythos. Rated T for language, violence, and scary content. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

DARIA/CALL OF CTHULHU: Shadows of a Sick Sad World

_Daria_ and all related characters are property of Viacom.

Chapter 1: Things No Teen Should Know

If curiosity is what killed the cat, then the Morgendorffer sisters and Jane Lane were toast. Standing before them in the basement of the Zon were a handful of men and women in odd robes, one of them none other than Miss Angela Li, principal of Lawndale High and sworn enemy of students and staff alike. Presently, the good Miss Li was holding a dagger above a restrained and gagged Brittany Taylor, the blond cheerleader futilely squirming against the ropes that bound her to an ugly-looking concrete altar.

"Glad you could make it, girls." Li said in her usual quasi-patronizing tone.

"What the hell is going on down here?" Jane thundered.

"Just one of our usual ceremonies, that's all. Unfortunately, you've seen too much, so I'm afraid we're going to have tie up some loose ends." Li replied, gesturing as her cohorts drew submachine guns and aimed them directly at the interlopers.

"Do we at least get a final cigarette?" Daria snarked.

"Come on, Miss Morgendorffer. Don't you know that smoking's bad for your health?"

"Neither is a hailstorm of 9mm rounds cutting your internal organs to shreds."

Miss Li chuckled.

"That's what I like about you, Daria– always ready with a defiant quip, even in your final moments. A shame it won't save you or your fri–"

Just then, the sound of a shotgun blast from outside echoed through the room, prompting Miss Li's face to contort into an expression of sheer terror and a whimper from Quinn.

"Fire on my comm–" Miss Li began.

Right on cue, a nearby door to a utility corridor fell down, revealing a cloud of smoke from which emerged the familiar form of Anthony DeMartino, clad in combat fatigues and clutching an Ithaca 37 Stakeout in his hands.

"I always KNEW you were a HINKY one, Angela! I just didn't exPECT you to be the HEAD honCHO of the local FRANCHISE!"

"Now, Anthony, let's be reasonable about th–"

"Says the woman about to FILLET one of her own school's cheerLEADers in the name of some eldritch aBOMINation!"

Miss Li grimaced as she gestured to her cohorts.

"I'm sorry, but it looks like you're outnumbered, DeMartino. I hope you've made your peace right about now."

"You're NOT the only ONE with friends HERE, _Principal_!"

There was a sudden burst of gunfire from within the still-lingering cloud of smoke, felling some of Li's associates. A moment later, a burly man with a short-cropped hightop barged in, clutching an M16.

_Wait, is that Coach Buzzcut?!_ Daria thought as she, Jane, and Quinn watched on.

Just then, they heard Miss Li begin to chant in some alien language before proceeding to stab one of her fellow robed cohorts. A moment later, a vaguely spherical mass of iridescent black protoplasm materialized and charged at the two men, all while Brittany's screams and squeals filled the air.

_That's it– I'm going in._

Before either Daria or Quinn could do anything, Jane broke into a sprint and raced towards the altar, slowing only to grab Li's dagger from its current resting place and then to cut Brittany free from the altar.

"LANE! What the HELL are you doING?!" DeMartino screamed.

"Saving this blond's butt from the Blob over there, that's what!"

"Get OUT of here, dammit! This place is liable to become a grunge inFERno!"

"…wait, what?" Daria asked.

"Don't ask stuPID questions, Morgendorffer– just RUN before either the shoggoth or the fire gets you!"

"What about you?" Jane asked.

"I'll be FINE! Now scrAM, and close the DOOR on your way out!"

As the quartet dashed up the stairs, DeMartino reached for a pint-sized glass bottle topped with a grenade fuze assembly that was resting on his side.

"Bon appetit, you UGLY son of a BITch!" he yelled as he pulled the pin and lobbed the bottle at the monster, watching with grim satisfaction as said bottle was absorbed by the creature before detonating inside its protoplasmic body.

* * *

_Casa Lane– several minutes later_

"So, what just happened?" Quinn asked as she joined the others around Jane's dining table, each girl seated before a mug of hot chocolate.

"I have no idea, but something tells me that our lives are about to get interesting– at least in the Chinese sense." Jane replied.

"And here I thought they already were." Daria snarked.

For her part, Brittany was rocking herself back and forth with a thousand-yard stare, her mug untouched.

"Now I lay me down to sleep, and pray the Lord my soul to keep…" she continuously murmured.

"Y'know, maybe it'd be good if we just all spent the night here." Jane said.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Yep, it's another unlikely crossover. Hopefully I'll be able to cool it down on these, but for now, enjoy the madness. As for the genesis of this fic, the core idea was "Daria et al snarking their way through the average Lovecraftian cosmic horror story" crossed with my own designs of trying to reinterpret some of the iffier material of both Lovecraft's original works and subsequent adaptations/expansions/interpretations thereof (along with some of the dumber things from said adaptations/expansions/interpretations).

As for what particular version of the Mythos is being used here, it's roughly based on the version from the _Call of Cthulhu_ RPG from Chaosium, as well as its spinoff _Delta Green_ from Pagan Publishing. And just so we're all on the same page, time for the first installment in an ongoing glossary…

* * *

Shoggoth: Think the Blob, except with a bunch of eyes floating on the surface.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Things That Go Bump in the Night

_Two days after the incident at the Zon_

"Class disMISSed! Remember to finISH reading Chapter 14 tonight, because there will be a QUIZ later this week!" DeMartino said as his class ended.

As Daria, Jane, and Brittany rose up from their desks, the teacher gestured to them.

"You three! Meet me AFTER school!"

"Are we in trouble?" Brittany meekly asked.

"Yes, in a manNER of speaking."

"Does this have anything to do with what happened with Miss Li?" Jane asked.

"I can neither CONFIRM nor deny that, Miss Lane."

* * *

_Later that day_

"So, what's going on?" Quinn asked as she, her sister, Jane, and Brittany sat in Mr. DeMartino's room while the twitchy history teacher locked the door and put a desk in front of it for good measure.

"What is goING on, Miss Morgendorffer, is that you have stumbled into something that is liABLE to take your life, your sanity, or both!"

"Like, how bad is it?" Brittany piped up.

DeMartino glared at the cheerleader.

"Tell me something, Taylor. While you were tied up on that altar, did you HEAR anything particularly strange? Like some KIND of weird chant?"

Brittany's face contorted into a strange expression as she thought back to her recent brush with death.

" Yeah, they were saying weird things."

"I need you to be more PRECISE! What were they saying?!"

" Only thing I understood was 'Cthulhu fhtagn'. Everything else was, like, unpronounceable and didn't really flow off the tongue."

A snicker rose up from the back.

"Is this aMUSing to you, Daria?!" DeMartino growled.

"As a matter of fact, it is. Do you really expect us to believe that the works of HP Lovecraft and both his contemporaries and later fans have any basis in reality?"

"Then I presume you can exPLAIN that ugly black blob you and the others saw this weekend?"

"…something from the Zon's bathrooms decided to get up and leave?"

"You do know that sarcasm is UGLY on a girl, right?"

Daria shrunk back into her seat.

"So, how accurate were Lovecraft's stories?" Jane asked.

" Very in the BROAD strokes, but he wasn't too GOOD with the deTAILS!"

"So, what's this got to do with what happened at the Zon?" Quinn asked.

DeMartino tensed up.

" Because I have FOUGHT to preserve the world from THINGS like that cult and that shoggoth! I have seen and fought things that would make your skin CRAWL, things that would make you sleep with a nightlight until you're in your 70s, things that would slowly drive you insane as they forever haunt your nightmares!"

A pregnant silence settled over the room.

"So, is this the part where you kill us because we know too much?" Quinn meekly asked.

DeMartino leaned in.

"No, it isn't. This is the part where you need to make a CHOICE."

"What're our options?" Daria asked.

"Option one: you all go home and pretend this never happened, while the memories stowed in your subconscious slowly chip AWAY at your sanity until you're giggling and drooling in a padded cell in a specially tailored jacket. Option two: you all go nuts from the revelation that we as a species and a civilization aren't worth a HILL of corn and BEANS and end it all yourself. Option three: you make damn SURE that we don't go gentle into that good night! Any questions?"

A hand shot up.

"Yes, Brittany?"

"If we're going to, like, fight against any monsters, can I bring Kevvy along?"

DeMartino's eye bulged out.

"Only if you let ME personally VET him!"

"But Kevin doesn't need a vet! He's a person!"

Daria cradled her head in her hands.

_If they're expecting _us _to save the world, then we are so utterly _screwed. she thought.

Jane's hand shot up.

"Yes?" DeMartino said.

"Can you at least give us a name of whoever we'll be fighting for?" she asked.

"I'll tell you that later, when we're somewhere with far less surveillance! As for now, I'll tell you this– if you're SERIOUS about this, then come meet me in Highland this weekend! Anyone else? Yes, Quinn?"

"Can we tell our families about this?"

DeMartino broke out into a mirthless laugh.

"In the words of British propaganda from World War II, careless talk costs lives! Take, for example, the late Miss Angela Li– a seemingly upstanding pillar of the community who, in addition to being a colossal pain in all our asses, also played high priestess for the local chapter of an ancient cult worshipping some man-octopus-dragon thing who's parked his ass out in our oceans! Now imagine how many other Miss Lis there are out there, in all walks of life, serving as FINGERS for the cult to stick in all kinds of PIES!"

He paused impressively.

"In the immortal words of Johnny Rivers, be careful what you say, or you'll give yourself away–"

"Odds are you won't see tomorrow?" Daria said.

"CORRECT! Now, you are all dismissed!"

_What have we gotten ourselves into?_ Jane thought as the teacher unlocked the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Welcome Back, Daria

"So, this is your hometown." Jane said as she looked out the Tank's windshield at the dilapidated burg.

"Sure is." Daria replied.

"Yeah, but we lived in the part that wasn't like this!" Quinn piped up.

"You think that wacko cult's around here?" Brittany meeped.

"Wouldn't surprise me. Though given the local flavor, I don't think we'll have too much to worry about."

* * *

_Starlite Drive-In Theater– a few miles away_

"Hey, Beavis." a rather homely brown-haired young man with braces and an ill-fitting set of cultist robes said.

"Yeah, Butt-Head?" his blond cohort replied.

"Didn't they say we'd, like, get free nachos if we came to this?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Then where are they? All I see is, like, some chodesmoker behind a bunch of cinder blocks."

All around the duo, the chant of "_Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn_" grew ever louder.

"Um, Butt-Head?"

"Yeah?"

"What're they saying?"

"Something about phone glue, I think."

* * *

"Miss Morgendorffer, it is a pleasure to see you again." Buzzcut said as Daria and the others emerged from the Tank.

"Thanks, Coach." came the reply.

"Let's get down to business, ladies. Now that you have accepted the thankless job of protecting an oblivious larger world from the menagerie of monsters and abominations lurking the darkness, it is my job to whip you all into shape! Now before we start, are any of you involved in after-school athletics?"

Jane and Brittany's hands went up.

"And what're you two ladies involved in?"

"Cheerleading!" Brittany replied.

"Track and field." Jane added.

Buzzcut nodded before he approached Daria and Quinn.

"Miss Morgendorffer, I can see that you've been keeping in decent shape since last I saw you. Your sister, on the other hand–"

"Are you calling me fat?"

Something flipped in Buzzcut's brain.

"JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE IN SHAPE, MAGGOT!" he bellowed, prompting Quinn to go stiff as a ramrod.

He then turned to the rest of the girls.

"Now if it's all the same to you, I want you all to get your asses in gear and give me two to three miles pronto!"

"Yes, Coach!" came the simultaneous reply.

And with that, the four broke into a run, with Buzzcut following right behind.

* * *

"Hey, Cassandra– what're you doing here?" Butt-Head asked as a familiar bespectacled girl walked past.

"Just seeking inspiration for my next artistic endeavor. You?"

"We were told there'd be free nachos or something."

"Yeah, but all we got was some buttmunch going on about this Cthulhu guy coming out of the ocean and how he'd bring about the return of the Great Old Ones or something!" Beavis added.

Cassandra suddenly felt a pit form in her stomach.

"I'm sure it's allegorical."

"Well, he didn't make it sound allergical." Butt-Head replied.

* * *

"My legs feel like they're on fire!" Quinn groaned as she brought up the rear of the procession, her face red and streaked with sweat.

"Less talking, more running!" Buzzcut retorted, blowing his whistle to emphasize the point.

"Besides, we've only got half a mile to go!" Jane added.

"Thank God!" a rather green-faced Daria exclaimed.

* * *

_A few minutes later_

"Now what, sir?" Daria wheezed.

"You four get to take five while I get things set up in the weight room." Buzzcut replied before walking off.

As Highland High's resident PE teacher walked off towards the main school building, Jane reached into her nearby exercise bag and pulled out a Nalgene.

"Word of advice– always bring one of these or some other reusable water bottle with you if you expect to be getting in a lot of strenuous physical activity." she said.

"You do that too?' Brittany piped up.

_If this is what the Army's like, remind me never to enlist._ Daria thought.

* * *

"Work those muscles, maggots! Hup one, hup two! You there, Morgendorffer!"

"Yes, Coach?" Daria wearily asked.

"You call those push-ups?! Put some oomph into it, you four-eyed couch potato!"

"Now that's just mean!" a nearby Brittany exclaimed from her spot at the rowing machine.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Miss 'I've Probably Screwed Half the Football Team'! Newsflash, Blondie– this ain't PE class! It's goddamn boot camp!" Buzzcut fired back.

"…boot camp?" Quinn whimpered as she finished her workout at a sit-up machine.

" What part of that did you not understand, missy?! Now that you and your compadres are in Delta Green, all of you _will_ be trained as such! Because let me tell you, a hostile Deep One will not give a rat's ass if you get a side stitch running from it! Now pick up the goddamn pace before you find my boot in your ass!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

And here's some more stuff for the glossary…

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.": The iconic chant of the Cthulhu cult, it roughly translates to "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."

Delta Green: a highly secretive organization tasked with protecting the USA from paranormal and alien threats. Introduced in their namesake 1997 sourcebook for the _Call of Cthulhu_ pen-and-paper RPG, the organization was founded after the government raid(s) on Innsmouth, Massachusetts as mentioned in _The Shadow over Innsmouth_ and later detailed in the RPG sourcebook "Escape From Innsmouth". While officially shut down after a botched mission in Cambodia in the '60s, they continued to operate secretly and illegally over the next few decades…at least until the release of their own standalone RPG in 2016, where it was revealed that they'd been reactivated in the wake of the 9/11 attacks (though some agents refused to go official and continue to operate like the old Delta Green).

Deep Ones: Ocean-dwelling creatures that vaguely resemble a fish-frog hybrid (imagine the Creature from the Black Lagoon's uglier cousin and you won't be too far off). Introduced in _The Shadow over Innsmouth_, they're capable of interbreeding with humanity, with the resulting hybrids starting out looking human but eventually metamorphosing into full Deep Ones.

The Tank: According to the Daria Wiki, a black, barely functional van used by Mystik Spiral to haul around their band equipment (though a lot of Daria fanfics just depict it as the Lane family's car).

* * *

As for the name of the drive-in, that's from the map of Highland as depicted in the _Beavis and Butt-Head_ tie-in book "This Book Sucks." Also, in case you're wondering, Cassandra is also from the show itself.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The Right Stuff

_Lawndale High– three weeks since start of Delta Green training_

"Daria, I need to TALK with you." DeMartino said as class let out.

Daria gulped as she approached her teacher's desk.

"…yes?" she asked.

"It's ABOUT your…extracurrICULAR actiVITies. More specifically, about Quinn's inVOLvement therein."

Daria could swear her heart skipped a beat.

"What about it, Mister DeMartino?"

"Buzzcut tells me that he thinks she CAN'T quite cut the MUSTard for field operations."

Daria's mind drifted back to the past three weekends.

* * *

"_Quinn Morgendorffer, are you telling me that you cannot scale a simple rope?! Back when I was at Lejune, I saw a recruit who couldn't have weighed more than a hundred pounds _sopping wet_ make it up a rope just like that!_"

* * *

"_Quinn Morgendorffer, am I to presume that your stamina is so pitiful that you can't keep up with even your sister at a brisk running pace? Because let me tell you that in a combat situation, stopping to catch your breath is liable to result in you not breathing again!_"

* * *

It was at that moment that Daria's usual poker face began to falter.

"Are you saying that–"

"No, we WON'T try and SIlence her! Just because she isn't cut out for taKING on the THINGS that lurk in the dark doesn't mean she doesn't have a ROLE to play!"

Daria blinked.

"What sort of role?"

DeMartino sighed.

"You want to know someTHING, Daria? In this line of work, there're gonna be TIMES when you come back home bleeding like a stuck PIG because some fish-frog man cut you up. There're gonna be times when the NIGHTMARES get bad enough to the point where you'll never want to SLEEP again. There'll be times when you feel like your emotions're out of control, times when you'll feel like a kid afraid of the goddamn BOGEYMAN again, and times when something as innocent as the smell of FISH triggers a full-blown panic attack!"

He paused impressively.

"You're gonna need someONE, Daria. You're gonna need someone to SEW your wounds closed, someone to wake up early to help you COVER up scars, SOMEONE to hold you when you cry all NIGHT. And as far as I can see, Quinn's that someone– your main bond to norMAL society, to the world where there isn't some ELDritch abomination or bunch of MONSTERS lurking in every shadow! Because let me tell you, you NEED to maintain those bonds, to make sure you know WHY you fight the MONSTERS, the CULTS, and whatever else lurks out there!"

"Thanks for the advice, but I _really_ need to get to my next class now." Daria said.

* * *

_Casa Lane basement– later that afternoon_

"Trent, can I tell you something?" Jane asked.

"What sort of something?" her older brother replied.

"Something that I need you to _promise_ you'll keep a secret. We're talking a 'cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye' level promise here."

Trent gulped and nodded.

"Well, I was at the Zon with Daria and Quinn about a month ago when we heard weird chanting coming up from the basement."

"I'm listening, Janey."

"Well, we decided to investigate, and…we found some kind of cult about to sacrifice Brittany Taylor and then DeMartino and one of Daria's old teachers from Highland busted down a side door and now we're in some kind of monster hunter militia and– oh God, I don't know what's going on anymore!"

Jane leaned into her brother's shoulder and began bawling, prompting Trent to pull her into a hug.

"…'m so scared, Trent."

"Just let it all out, sis. Let it all out."

* * *

_Schloss Morgendorffer_

"So, I've got good news and bad news." Daria said as she and Quinn sat at the kitchen table.

"What's the bad news?"

"Buzzcut doesn't think you're up to snuff for the actual monster hunting, so now you get to be my emotional crutch and tie to normal society."

Quinn scratched her chin in contemplation.

"So you need me now to keep you from going off the deep end, is that what I'm hearing?"

"Regrettably. But look on the bright side– at least you've got a deeper, richer, and more meaningful life than the rest of the Fashion Club."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The Call of Cornholio, Part 1

_Highland– about six weeks into Delta Green training_

"So, I've been thinking." Brittany said as she and the others stopped for lunch.

"Thought I smelled smoke." Jane replied.

"None of you gals seriously haven't noticed it yet?"

"If you're asking about whether or not we've noticed that we've essentially been drafted into a paramilitary organization of dubious legality for the purposes of fighting a potentially unwinnable war against ancient gods and monsters and their followers…yes, we've noticed, but we just try not to think about it too hard." Daria replied.

"So it doesn't bother you that we're being taught how to kill people? Or are you trying not to think about it too hard either?" Brittany asked, gesturing to the group's newly-assigned rifles propped up against the picnic table.

"She's got a point, amiga." Jane said.

"…are you running a temperature or something? Because I swear I just heard you agreeing with Brittany." Daria asked.

Just then, the familiar sound of a whistle filled the air, and Buzzcut walked up to the group.

"Sorry to cut this short, ladies, but it looks like it's finally time to give you your very first field assignment– busting down the local Cthulhu cult!"

Brittany went pale as a sheet.

"Aren't those–"

"Yes, they're the guys who tried to kill you. Though considering the standards of this place, you'll probably be able to escape being sacrificed on your own." Daria replied.

"Um, Mister Buzzcut, I have a question." Jane said.

"And what is that?"

"Why don't we just find out where the cult's performing their activities and call the cops on them?"

"Because as far as you know, they might just have their slimy tendrils so far in the police department's ass that they can use it as a puppet!"

* * *

"This sucks." Butt-Head proclaimed as that evening's ceremony played out.

"Yeah! It's so _boring_! When do we get to see monsters and crap?!" Beavis replied.

Butt-Head then reached under his robe and produced a large can of Ultra-Cola.

"Maybe this'll take the edge off or something." he said, handing the can over to Beavis, who graciously accepted before proceeding to chug its contents in one fell swoop.

As the chants of "_Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn_" filled the air, only one of the cultists noticed that one of their ranks was beginning to violently shake. Suddenly, the chanting was interrupted by one ear-splitting cry.

"_I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!_"

All eyes shifted towards the source of the proclamation, which was now wandering in circles and chanting _'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Bungholio Titicaca wgah'nagl fhtagn_'."

"You dare mock great Cthulhu?!" one of the cultists thundered.

"Are you threatening me?! My bunghole will ask the questions! Does this Cthulhu have TP? TP for my bunghole?" came the reply.

"What is so important about this 'Tee-Pee' you speak of?" another cultist asked.

"I am Bungholio, the Lord of the Harvest, made flesh! You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole, for when it goes ra-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, the streets will run with the blood of the non-believers! Would you like to see my bunghole?"

Before anyone could do anything, Cornholio was standing atop the altar, his pants around his ankles and his bare ass pointed towards the crowd.

* * *

"By the pricking of my thumbs, something stupid this way comes." Daria said as Jane drove the Tank through Highland's streets.

Just then, a chant could be heard in the distance. Even from the team's current position, they could faintly make out the words 'Bungholio' and 'Titicaca'.

"Oh God no…" Daria said as she buried her face in her hands.


End file.
